Let’s all get pregz! Helllllllllllllllll NO.

So I recently watched this movie called The Pregnancy Pact. It’s your typical Lifetime made-for-tv movie about sex ed in a small town in Massachusetts. It’s got all my favourite things: an INYOURFACE life lesson, sub-par acting, and it’s made-for-tv so you KNOW it’ll win an Oscar.

Anyway, I read the title in passing and thought, I MUST watch this because I HAVE to know what the hell a pregnancy pact is. Turns out, the movie is based on a true story. WHAT?! Reason number 2 to watch this beast.

In short: The setting is a highschool in smalltown Gloucester, Massachusetts. It’s a strict Catholic town in which birth control is frowned upon and sex is an “ears plugged I don’t hear you I don’t see it happening it’s not happening” kind of thing.
There’s a clique of a handful of 15 year old girls at school who are attached at the hip. One day, one of the girls gets pregnant and says “Omg guys, you should get pregnant too. It’s awesome! Our kids will all be girls and they can be BFFs like us, OMG LOLZ 😉 :P.” Mhmm.
I wonder where this is going.
So this is the “pregnancy pact” that these girls come up with. ….On with the show.

The main girl’s mom is the president of some Family Values council who raises funds for daycare at the local highschool because SO  many goddamn girls are pregnant and having children. And you know, instead of spending like $20 on 4372975 condoms that’ll solve the pregnancy AND potential STI problems (!!!!!), let’s throw thousands of dollars into funding a free daycare for teen girls who are getting pregnant because it’s “cool”. Mhmm.

I’ll just leave this here:

So I bust out the popcorn (rice crackers… I’m in Abu Dhabi and I have no microwave… I make do) and I kick back and start the film. As I’m watching, I’m hearing wickedly wonderful “sex ed textbook” lines, so I HAVE to stop and grab a pen.

I bet you can guess that the main girl in the movie gets pregnant and her mom’s all “What?! But I preach abstinence until marriage and you would never! YOU WOULD NEVER! OMGGGGG. Well, a baby is God’s gift and it’s alllllll good”. Mhmm.

So anyway,  I really just wanted to quote some lines from the movie and add my educated and severely opinionated commentary for your entertainment/to expand your knowledge of teen pregnancy and its rise and misconceptions and all that jazz, so here you are:

Memorable quotes and LOL/WTFs from The Pregnancy Pact

The mother on her daughter’s boyfriend: “He’s got good morals and he goes to church”
The dad on his daughter’s boyfriend: “He’s still a 17 year old boy”

Can I get a hell yes right now please?! How GOOD is this. Okay, church is lovely. I’ve been. You get to sing sweet songs about Jesus and everyone smiles at you. Also, you typically dress up, and who doesn’t like to look swank on a Sunday, but BITCH PLEASE. Let me tell you something — dicks have minds. Dicks don’t go to church. Dicks go wherever they want. ….I could go on.
Let me say THIS: Boys have dicks. When they’re all puberating and shit, let me tell you, their dick is just as powerful as their brains/hearts… let’s be honest, dicks are probably more powerful. You could be Jesus’s cousin and your dick would still be like SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX. It’s up to YOU to control that shit. But it’s probably hard when you’re young and horny. <– PUN ALERT!

Girl’s boyfriend on their relationship staying strong (he says this as he caresses her in the hopes of sex): “It’ll work out, trust me.”

My prediction: They break up. End of movie: He’s with another chick because the main character lies to him and purposefully gets pregnant and he freaks out because of lack of trust… Legit.

The conservative mom to a journalist who blogs about teen issues and asks for an interview: “It [teen pregnancy and sex] is not an appropriate subject matter for a blog.”

Read my website, asshole. I dare you to say it ain’t appropriate. Bitch, I will cut you. Kids, teens, youth, people NEED a source of valid information about sex, options, and issues related to all this sexuality business. Teens need a place to ask questions and feel comfortable emailing/asking anonymous questions in the hopes of a truthful, non-biased answer. Mother in movie, your ass is biased! Get out!! 

“Birth control is a private family matter that should stay out of school.”

I agree that birth control should be a family matter as in communication lines should be open and comfortable for a youth to talk to their parents/siblings about sex and safety. However, it should stay out of school? You think sex stays out of school? Bitch, please. You think 15 year old Cindy is playing hopscotch and painting her friend’s nails at lunch time? Bitch, please. She’s probably asking her friend what a blowjob is. JUST SAYIN! And that’s not a bad thing. Knowledge is power. Knowledge keeps us safe and aware of risk. Condoms are knowledge. Collect them. In all colours. 

The main character, a 15 year old girl, at her first ultrasound appointment after getting pregnant: “Do I really have to let a doctor look down there?”

This bitch can’t even say vagina and she’s pregnant! My dear!!! Yes, yes you do. You will also have pap tests and other things. Maybe one day you’ll have a vag wax and an aesthetician will look down there too. It’s cool! All women have vaginas my friend. Sarah’s tip: If you can’t say vagina or let a doctor look at it, don’t let a boy look at it! I like that… that should be on a t-shirt. 

Teenager girls at school who are pregnant: “In the old days, girls our age had kids!”

Although this is true, the “old days” were a different time where teens matured quickly and grew up in a different era. Nowadays, I feel like kids are more immature than ever. Myself included. Hell, I’m almost 26 and I’M not ready for a baby. I still call my mama and whine about stupid shit. I’m still growing into a functioning adult. My husband puts up with me… how? I’m adorable. 😉 :)
So bottom line: We live in a different world and 30 is the new 25; therefore, logic states that 20 is the new 15 etc. etc. and so “actually 15” means you are most definitely a child, and children should not have children… at least not THESE children in the movie. They are super immature. (They drink while pregnant!!! I cringed when I saw this. Don’t drink while pregnant. Ever.)

Teenage girls at school getting pregnant for fun: “I love babies! I wish I had a baby!” *later after baby is born* “It hurts SO bad! Why won’t it stop crying?!”

Have you ever heard of babysitting? I did it for years and it was excellent. Play mom for like 3 hours and then STOP. Also, if you feel like getting pregnant, here’s a tip for Halloween: Dress up as Charlotte from Charlotte’s web. She’s a pregnant spider! You can pretend you are pregnant for a night! I did it! It was fun. I convinced a couple of people I was like 9 months pregnant too!  And here’s a flattering aka terrible photo of my bitchin’ costume and very faux pregnant belly a few Halloweens ago.

Me as a pregnant spider on Halloween. Look how REAL it looks, and it’s NOT! Kids love to play pretend. PRETEND to be pregnant, you immature children! I did it and I’m an adult!

 

You’re welcome baby-fever teens who aren’t ready to have babies or be pregnant. I have found solutions to your baby problems!
#1 – Babysit other people’s children. They are ready to be parents and I’m sure would LOVE a night off as parenting is a difficult 24/7 job.
#2 – Dress up as a pregnant girl/spider for Halloween and pretend you are pregnant for the evening. Hell, stuff a pillow in your shirt and go to the mall on a Tuesday and make people open doors for you. Cut in line at a Starbucks demanding an iced tea for your baby. *pause* I might do this today… it sounds fun.

 

SO all in all, this movie was very informative and had A LOT of information about sex ed. I think it’s an excellent movie to showcase the naivety of teens and youth on the pros and cons of sex and relationships. Lifetime, I love you. And I enjoyed this movie. The only thing I didn’t like was how it still ended on a very “sex vs. religion” note, and was very obviously pro-choice which is a biased view of options for sexual health, but hey, what can you do? It stills works to convince me that communicating to youth about sex and relationships is necessary to stop unwanted teen pregnancy.

Sarah’s words of wisdom: Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool. Think twice before you grab a slice… of sex.

Stay SUPER safe, sexually speaking
With love,
Sarah “pregnancy isn’t for everybody” Wun

 

 

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